Thursday, December 8, 2011

Protect Your Package

The Handyman Special
 Though it's another part of a man's anatomy that is preferable to me than a hand.

Feel 'em & Seal 'em
Wrap It & Tap It
Movers & Shakers
Nuts & Bolts
Tight Screws


There's more where that came from.

It seems my mother is interested in a part of men's, particularly my eX-men's, anatomy as well - but it is in fact their hands.  It has recently come to my attention that my mother asked a former significant other of mine to assist her in a move.  I don't want to go into lengthy detail, but my mother (as loving and caring as she is) has a history of interfering and being overbearing.  I've pushed her out of many aspects of my life because of this but she seems to still find a way to exhaust every effort to fuck with my head.  Over the years since the break-up she's gone to this eX-man for various deeds she's needed done and in what I suppose can be attributed to women's desperate need for attention and to be liked remains friendly with him, in spite of the fact that they weren't that friendly in the years while we were dating.  I never really minded in the past.  In fact, there were times I saw the positive in the opportunity to remain friendly with him as well.  I've come to a turning point in my life.  I'm no longer comfortable with this.  There are various reasons, which again I will not go into details.  I tried to make it clear that I wished she'd just considered my feelings, particularly if she wants to be a big part of my life.  At first I thought I might be overreacting, though it's been built up after years of my mother making (poor) decisions without regard to my feelings.  After mentioning it to someone I've dated off-and-on for years, and who tells it to me the way he sees things, he confirmed my thoughts that I had good reason to request this not go on and hope she might respect my wishes.
Her response was first, 'I tried to avoid asking him."  Well, you didn't try hard enough.  She follows it up with, 'Then find me someone else to help me move." How about a fucking mover, or maybe....just maybe one of the billion-something other people on the planet that hasn't fucked me in that bed of yours he's about to help you move...or the couch for that matter. 
So you know what Mommy, if you really need someone to help you move - I've decided to compile a list of anyone who has services to provide you when he's done servicing me.  I'm still working on business names.  I'm going to go with that standard grey color a business uses to advertise on tee-shirts.  Neon was an option, but I have this weird attraction to a man in neon - it's an association thing - and since I'm done with these men (Put It In & Move 'em Out) I have no desire to put them in neon and ruin a good thing.  I'll be putting last names and a number on the back of the shirts - I haven't decided if the number on the back will be based on chronological order or a rating system.  I'm still working on names.

Ride 'em & Slide 'em
Nuts & Bolts

This is what I was referring to when I mentioned that it'd be difficult to discuss some topics whilst being vague about my goings-on.  With this business plan set in motion I've decided to just go with it.  Which reminds me....

Blow & Go
"Where We've Got Hard Workers"
First she'll kneel then we'll pack it up and put it on wheels.


I'm considering starting to date some electricians and plumbers. 
Slogans:  "I'll fix your pipes after I blow mine in your daughter." 
"I'll snake your drain."
"Pipe backed up?"

...and of course the mechanic - which is my thing.
Blown Head Gasket? ...anyone?



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